Monday, August 31, 2009

Our Angel Waits in Heaven


Boy, was this page hard to make! This is my tribute to my granddaughter, Caroline, who I never got to hold. My daughter had a miscarriage last year at 13 weeks. I've included the journaling because it tells the story of what happened. I've been putting off making this page, but decided that I wanted to go ahead and make it. I cried when I finished this page because I had told myself that I really wanted this page to be special, and when I finished, I didn't think it was special enough. I don't know if any page could be special enough though. 8o)


You'll notice the word "Lift" below the picture. When you lift the photo mat up, it has my journaling as follows: I never got to hold Baby Caroline, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love her. I still remember the Mad Gab game card that Joey made that said, “Corn Knees Pre Egg Gnat.” They were playing the game on my birthday, and called me to come and help because Jordan “wasn’t getting it.” I got it within a few seconds, but I couldn’t figure out how that could be on a Mad Gab card. It looked so real! Needless to say, Joey was disappointed and said, “Well, that didn’t work out like I planned.” Courtney was so sick with this baby, just like she was with Ashlyn. Then on April 1st, at 13 weeks pregnant, she called me to say that she thought something might be wrong. She thought she might be leaking fluid. She called the doctor, who told her to come on in. I met her and Joey at the doctor’s office. When Dr. Greene came into the examination room, she did not realize that this was not a regular checkup. She had the nurse bring in a portable ultrasound machine. She did a quick ultrasound and examined Courtney. She said that she was encouraged, and she saw no signs of a miscarriage. But, she sent us next door for a complete ultrasound. The technician took a few quick pictures and left the room, saying that the doctor would be in shortly. Immediately, Courtney mentioned that she did not hear a heartbeat. I tried to encourage her by saying that they were not looking for a heartbeat. They were looking for fluid, since that was her original concern. A few minutes later, the doctor came in and said there were some problems with the baby. First, the baby’s bladder was extended. He pulled the ultrasound picture back up and showed us the little bubble that was extended up over the baby’s body. (I will never forget seeing those perfect little hands in that picture.) And then he said that they could not find a heartbeat. Courtney immediately started to sob, and so did I. My heart broke for my child! As a Mom, you want to fix everything, and I couldn’t fix it! The doctor went on to explain that it appeared that the baby’s urethra did not develop, which caused the bladder to extend once the baby started to produce urine. That poisoned the baby, and caused it to die. He discussed the possible causes (his theory was that it was genetic), and said that they would need to schedule a D&C. After he left the room, Courtney and Joey held each other and cried. After a couple of minutes, I saw Courtney’s hand raise up, reaching for me. I went to her and held her hand. I then decided to give them a few minutes alone, so I left the room. Two days later, Courtney had a D&C, and the baby was tested to see if the cause could be determined. Courtney had specifically told the doctor that she did not want to know the baby’s sex. Two weeks later, the doctor left Courtney a voicemail saying that the baby was normal, that the problem was not caused by genetics (which was a blessing), and the baby was a girl. Courtney was so upset all over again because knowing that the baby was a girl made her seem so much more real! She called me at work, and I drove to her office and just sat and held her while she cried. A few weeks later, she told me that they had decided to give the baby a name, Caroline. Although we know that we won’t see her until we get to heaven, we know that God is taking good care of her, and she will forever be in our hearts. Thanks for looking, and I apologize for the long post!

9 comments:

scrappingnana said...

So sorry to hear about your loss, but what a wonderful tribute. Thanks for sharing your journaling, it is very heart touching.

Dee Dee said...

I'm a mess after reading that. I'm so glad that you were able to be there for your daughter, and thankful for the hope of Heaven where you'll meet your grand-daughter. It's a beautiful tribute Tammy.

Crystal said...

Tammy this page is beautiful and exquisite. Baby Caroline would be so proud and honored that you made such an amazing tribute to her. Your journaling is heart wrenching but wonderful. HUGS to you and everyone else!

Lynn said...

what a beautiful and touching tribute. You all have incredible strength! This page is absolutely gorgeous.

Kaye's Crafty Place said...

What a beautiful tribute, you should be proud of this page, it is beautiful. The tears you cry should be because you have made a wonderful memory to last.

hugs
Kaye x

Sandy from Ukiah said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, but as everyone has said, what a beautiful tribute.. this is so precious...

Jen Young said...

Oh my goodness- I can't stop crying after reading that. I cannot imagine going through all of that. God be with you and your family. She's waiting for you all up in heaven. This is a wonderful tribute to your granddaughter.

Anonymous said...

that page is a beautiful tribute to little Caroline. I can't imagine how difficult that was for you all. So sorry about your loss.

storylady said...

I know the pain-believe it or not I had 18 confirmed miscarriages and I believe I had five more I never reported to the Dr. They wanted me to have surgery, but I refuse, and Sunday will be my only daughter's 18th birthday. I was 42 when I was finally bless, and found out when I was 7 months pregnant--she was born 4 weeks later--little but perfect! In God's time. I miss them all! I'll pray for you all! Hugs, Linda